Friday, February 5, 2010

Mustard Seed

This is a strange way to venture back into blogging again, but I don't know how else to do it. I *SO* wish that I could post beautiful pictures, the last childhood antics of my five favorite Littles, or some brilliant homeschool endeavor we have recently undertaken, but I can't because that is not where we are right now, and I am not very good at pretending.

I am tired.

This week (and last week, and the week before that, and the week...) have been some of the most difficult-testing-my-faith-God-are-you-EVEN-paying-attention? hours of my life.  We seem to have hit all the wrong benchmarks in one fell swoop. As of Tuesday our house officially went back to the bank and my husband hit the one year mark for his unemployment, thus expiring his benefits.

Our proverbial belts have no more notches for tightening and now it feels like we are once again being thrown into crisis mode and frankly, crisis mode sucks.

There has to be some other gear we could coast around in for a while, right?

I am trying to trust that God is who He says He is, but I am doing a lousy job of it.

All sort of Doubting Thomas thoughts are entering my mind:

Do you really care about us?
Would you let us become homeless? Would you let it get that bad?
If you want me to homeschool our kids then why do our legs and routine and livelihood continue to get knocked out from under us?
Why haven't we heard back from the ONE company my husband has managed to secure an interview with this year? It has been two weeks. Why would it seem like such a good fit, and then nothing?

Our entire family is suffering for lack of vision, routine, and purpose. I see it not just in us, but in our children too.

We are begging for release. Freedom to move on from this place. Hope that we won't fall further.

We could really use your prayers.

I want to live by faith and not by sight, but I am afraid that I can't even hear His voice anymore.

Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief.

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