Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Closed Door


Eilidh, inside the front door of our old house.
I was casually checking our local news site yesterday and was surprised by what met me there. Under the featured headlines was an article discussing the foreclosure rate in our county and to illustrate their point, an image of a closed door.

An image of OUR closed door.

What are the odds?

At first I wasn't sure what to make of it. I laughed, I got angry (feeling somewhat invaded), and then I blurted it out to my little Facebook world without much good reason, other than the fact that I had no pillow close by to scream into.

Really? Must I be the poster child now, Lord?

So what if very few people actually know who's door that is, I still do! I'm the one that picked out the paint and then grew irritated when our cats took it off again; mad that I had the audacity to suggest they actually go outside and be cats; that's my cat-scratched-rust-red-door with the lock box on it.

And then do you know what He said?

'I AM the one who shut that door, and you know that what door I shut, no man can open. That is not your door anymore-you can't go back.'

I did not take this news well, either.

It was uncomfortable because I knew it was true, and because what I am afraid of now is that this is not the last door He is going to close; There are other doors endangering my sense of safety with their creaking sound. This evening when I searched the news (maybe I should stop doing that?) I learned that there are some who, because of a very tragic event,  are essentially trying to have the company I work for shut down.

Unbelievable.

When I take inventory of the past two years they seem so over the top, so made up.

I feel vulnerable and exposed personally, and saddened for others whose good names are being brought into question.

I am coming to understand just how threatened I have been feeling.

What if the unthinkable does happen?

Can I trust enough to remember WHO closed the door?

Will I be able to release it all and willingly be led through new doors that I would have never chosen?

 There are doors I can not open and one's I can not close.

I am being brought to my knees and  I have to trust that there is goodness on the other side.


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